Lately I've been SO frustrated with myself. I'm looking for a job right now because I need to make more money than what I'm making now. So here I sit, combing through Craigslist, hoping that something is going to jump out at me & scream "We want YOU!" It's not happening! There are several reasons why this isn't working for me. The first is that I did not finish school. I was young, stupid, irresponsible & much to my shame & dismay, COMPLETELY IMMATURE. I can't believe I just said that! I put up a front and try to make people think that I am what I want to be, when in reality, I'm not always what I want to be. So not finishing school is a HUGE obstacle. Another is that I believe that I am being called to write or speak, to share God's word with young women and teenagers who may not necessarily know how to make it through whatever they're dealing with. He has laid so many things on my heart that I want to share, but am just waiting for His timing. Feeling this calling, I want to devote as much time as possible to reading, studying, praying, just being in His presence to LISTEN and be TAUGHT. WHERE WHERE WHERE does that time come from? I was listening to the radio last week and a snipet from Proverbs 31 Ministries came on. The lady was saying that she realized that when she waited to have time for God, she never had it, something came up or she didn't have enough. So her challenge was to MAKE time for God each day. In MAKING time in my life, I've come to realize that every day that I MAKE time and PLAN to get up early, Dillon inevitably wakes up for hours in the middle of the night or wakes up before 5 am and won't go back to sleep. Seriously, Satan?!?! Just go away & let me have MY QUIET TIME!!! Finally, and this is the most frustrating part, it seems like everything that comes into my life lately is in NC and it makes me wonder why I was SO into me and NOT SO into God when I was home! I find that I yearn for Christ so deeply and the encouragement that I turn to is at home: the sermons/podcasts that I listen to at work are from King's Way Baptist in Concord, the devotionals that I receive over email are from Matthews, the snipets that encourage me as a woman each morning on the radio are from Matthews, my friends that I connect with on a deeper, Christ inspired level are in Charlotte! To top it off, FACEBOOK is KILLING ME! Not in a bad way ;) Everytime I log on, I see something posted from my NC family/friends that is so encouraging & makes me yearn to be there.
For so long, I claimed Jeremiah 29:11 as my life verse. Lately I've come to realize that it was a safe choice. That I chose it because it was easy to remember and I heard it so frequently, no one would question why I chose it. Let's face it, I was just faking it. I chose the easy way out. But here, it applies so well. God does have a plan for me, one that is good for me and that won't put me in danger, a plan that is perfect for HIS will for my life. I just have to be willing to listen & to follow.
So as frustrated as I am that my life isn't easy right now, I know that I'm here for a reason and I'm willing to live in slow motion (at least that's the way it feels) until God is ready for me to feel like I'm living in real time.
I think that this is so frustrating for me because I'm not a patient person. Once I have an idea, I want to run with it. Some of this is about patience, but I think so much more of it is about being a good steward of what God has given me. I've heard it said that of everything we have, nothing is truly ours. God has entrusted us to take care of His things & people while we're here on earth. I wasn't a good steward of all of the blessings that God bestowed upon me when I was younger. I used them up and hid them away, kind of like the servant in Matthew 25:14-30. The parable of the talents. The man had three servants that he blessed with different amounts of talents before he went on a journey. The number of talents was based on their ability. The first two servants, who received the greater talents went out & put their talents to use to earn more. The third servant dug a hole in the ground & hid the talent. In years past, I've been so guilty of that. God would bless me with something and instead of going out and multiplying it for His Kingdom, I did the equivalent of burying it in the ground. I buried it in my life, FOR ME. When the master came back, the first two servants showed him that they had multiplied their talents & he increasingly blessed them with new things. But the third servant, who was afraid had nothing to show. In vs 26, his master replied "you wicked, lazy servant!" Later he follows with this vs 28-30 "Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For EVERYONE who has will be given more, and he will have an ABUNDANCE. Whoever does NOT have, even what he has will be TAKEN from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
I feel like this time in my life where I'm waiting, where God isn't bestowing the blessings that I think I'm ready for, is the end of the past years where I was in the darkness. There was weeping, a great deal of it!
As I sit here today, I'm making a commitment to myself and to God that EVERYTHING that He entrusts me with, I'm going to go out & multiply it for HIS kingdom. And if He should choose to bless me with a job or to allow me to minister to others through writing & speaking, then I'll do that for HIS honor & glory and not for mine alone!
I'm still frustrated, but I have so much faith that this is a season in my life that He's going to use for His purpose. I just pray that I'm waiting there with open arms willing to take and give with all that I am!
